*Independent Thought Alarm*

[ 11.06.2002 ]

I really despise winter. It's so yucky...I don't mind the cold nearly as much as I mind the rain when I'm on my walk to class every morning. It's a damn wonder that I havn't missed a class yet. I guess I've kidded myself into believing that my professors would actually miss me and be hurt if I didn't show up. Oh to be in denial. I guess whatever gets me there makes it worth it though.
Something is going on with me and it's hard to put into words, but I'll try using some illustrations. Every day of my life I can hear my biography being written. There is this voice-over in my head when I walk around UK...it's so werid. I feel like at some point in my life I am meant to write something or do something that will make someone want to research my history and uncover my motives for things. They will go to the places I used to live and think "this is where she was when she was 19 years old and going through a transition." Maybe this is all part of my ego...maybe I'm just assuming that I'll be much greater than I am. Something tells me though that someone will find this journal entry someday and feel like they've hit a goldmine. "She knew all along," they will write.
Here's another illustration. When I read things that inspire me...other people's biographies or what they've written...I get so stirred up. I'm ready to pounce on whatever it is that I'm supposed to do. This leaves me frustrated because as of yet, I have no idea what I am meant for. I have a lot of misdirected energy. I feel underchallenged and uninspired here. I look at some of the kids in my classes and think of what the future holds for them. They'll get desk jobs and work 9-5 for about 30 years and then retire with some sort of company pension. They don't care about any real issues...they want to make the best grades they can while attending the least amount of classes. If you ask a question in class, they roll their eyes because it means they might have to spend an extra five minutes learning instead of drinking and partying. Apathy is the general mood of this campus, and it makes me livid. Absolutely livid.
What am I do to about it though? Start looking for a graduate school I suppose. When I graduate from UK, one of two things will happen. Either I will feel like I need a better education but I will be too burned out to care, or I will feel like I need a better education and I will pursue it. I really hope the latter is true. Does anyone know of any good east coast grad schools for journalism or women's studies? Please email me if you have any ideas.
QOD>>"I know I can't be the only whatever I am in the room." - Ani Difranco...who else?
mandypants [12:20 PM]