*Independent Thought Alarm*

[ 3.19.2002 ]

Crimson and Clover...Over and Over
It's still raining a little and there are 5 girls in my room watching Fried Green Tomatos because we all love to depress ourselves with sappy movies. I have to get back out in the rain in about 30 minutes to go to my Sociology class. Let me guess what we will talk about tonight...um...probably how oppressed women are. Wow. There's a new issue. Someone in my Women's Studies class brought up an interesting article this morning by Gloria Steinem entitled "If Men Could Menstruate." It's actually quite good. If you want to read it, just do a search for the title.
I got really bored at about 2pm today and so I decided to buy myself a blank book. Like I have EVER filled up any of the hundred blank books that I already have...oh whatever. I guess I just wanted a clean start. I also hung up some Tibetan Prayer Flags in my room. They look really cool and the symbolism kicks ass. There's a good chance I'm losing my mind.
This has been one of those days that I wish I'd just stayed in bed. It has not been worth my time to be awake. I've spend my entire day wondering why I am here and what I can do to make myself happy. I really think that God made it rain in Kentucky for the first few days after Spring Break just to rub it in that we are NOT in Florida anymore. It's like Her way of reminding us what our pathetic reality is. There's a 84.6% possibility that I will just drive to California tomorrow. I'll bet it's warm and sunny there. I'm sick of this cold rain bullshit. This is my sincere appeal to whatever higher being can hear me...please!...a little sunshine tomorrow would be nice so that I don't hang myself by my Christmas lights...
mandypants [5:26 PM]

Back to the real world...
After a refreshing vacation in Florida with my friends for Spring Break, I have returned to the rainy, cold, depressing world of Lexington, Kentucky. God, I would love to still be on the beach right now just listening to the waves crash against the shore. It was so wonderful to wake up every day and know that my only responsibility was to kick back and relax. I had an absolute blast just letting myself go for a few days. Being on the beach with my journal at night gave me the chance to really think clearly for once. Something about the atmosphere over Lexington won't let me open myself up like I used to. I can't seem to get my inspiration here as I am bogged down with classes, tests, Greeks, mindless alcoholics, and a million other college kids that have absolutely no clue who they are yet. I was able in Florida to get to a different place in my own mind...I was able to write honestly and bluntly without fear of releasing a truth that would be too big for me to deal with. I have begun to be more honest with myself and how I really feel about things. I have grown weary of having to nod and smile when things bother me. If something is bothering me, I want to be strong enough to speak up about it and risk being misunderstood for the possiblity of being appreciated.
It's so gloomy outside. I am so effected by the weather...I was on a constant high in sunny Florida but just being outside this morning after my first class was cancelled was so awful. I was standing outside Lafferty Hall trying to decide what to do with myself just wondering why I am here. I wonder what purpose I serve at UK...am I here for other people or myself. Then I decided not to think it about it too much anymore because it makes me want to leave today. I would absolutely love to just get the hell out of here for good. Let everyone just kiss my ass goodbye. I'm not cut out for this conformity shit. I'll leave that to the girls with the Greek letters on their bags and the emptiness in their heads. UK sucks.
I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground but I feel like flying off into space sometimes. Just to leave this bullshit behind would be so nice.
I get to pick my classes for yet another rousing semeseter this week. I've got my advising conference tomorrow and I really wonder what they're going to tell me. The last conference I had in December for Spring Semester, this lady just sat there and told me to take whatever I wanted. She suggested a few classes to me but over all remained impartial as to my success or failure here. She retired later that month. Congratufuckinglations.
I'm trying to think of things that I can do today when I'm out of Women's Studies that will make me happy. My options here are limited. I'll probably just stick to that same old boring ass routine of going back to Donovan (the Virgin Vault) and going to lunch with some friends and then coming back and sitting on my ass until my 6pm class. Such is my life. It seems so pointless. I'd love to be out there doing something productive...creating art however I so choose...music, painting, writing, photography...whatever but I am stuck here. I've only been back for a matter of hours and I'm already looking forward to the moment I can leave again. Are people supposed to hate their college this much? I mean, we're down to the wire on the SEC tournament...and I honestly don't give a flying fuck. It's so stupid. They'll play all those damn basketball games and someone will win. I didn't do a damn things about it either way, win or lose. I just matriculate here. There will always be a next season. It doesn't matter who wins because they'll do it all again next season. What a bunch of crap. I hate basketball. It's all money and politics.
I'd love to transfer out of here but even if I do, I have no guarantee that I will be any happier anywhere else I go. I hate to think that I would take the initiative to move schools and change my life completely again and end up just as unhappy as I am here. Maybe if it's sunny here tomorrow I'll go on and on about how much I love UK. Who knows...I'm a basket case and I doubt anyone has even read this so what is the point...
Here's hoping you have a better day than mine...
mandypants [12:06 PM]